How Not to Skate Over Your Own Foot

Learning to skate after years of slothfulness on the athletic front can be very daunting . . . daunting but doable. No I wasn't a great skater before roller derby. I found my buttocks had a love affair with the floor and couldn't stay away from it. So why at the Fresh Meat-n-Great I decided to put on a pair of skates and give it a whirl is beyond me. I think I'm a tad crazy. Still I strapped on those sucky rentals and fell and wobbled and fell and wobbled. You get the picture. It wasn't pretty.

Fortunately, that was late September and Fresh Meat started in early November. I had some time to practice. More importantly I had Friday night skate with other members of the Bay State Brawlers Roller Derby who were more than willing to give their advice. Here is what I learned in brief:

1. Skate in a squatting position. If you look like you are going poop, you are in the right position to skate. This position will also allow you to fall forward on your pads and not backwards on your unprotected glutes no matter how attracted to the floor they seem to be.

2. Look straight forward. Never look down. Much like walking a tight rope over the Niagara. If you look up you won't fall. You will wobble but not fall. If you look down you're screwed.

3. Getting the actual skating motion can be a wee bit of a challenge. What worked for me was when Brian Barfield of Mass Malestrom told me to think of it like water rippling and flowing outward. It worked and then I had to pee.

4. If you have to fall backwards pick a cheek and stick to it. You can hurt your spine if you fall down flat but if you pick a cheek you only injure half your ass.

5. When learning crossovers lift that leg and make sure it crosses over the other foot and move it away from said foot. If you don't step over enough you step on your own foot. If you move your feet towards each other you clip your own wheels or roll your back skate into your front skate and, well, refer to number 4.

6. To stop try the t-stop. If you are having issues with the motion imitate the bad guy in horror movies by going forward with front foot while turning out the back foot and dragging it in behind you. Like in the movies you will catch up and kill it eventually. (Taught this way by Hipburn who reminded me it was her who taught it this way.)

Whatever you do don't give up. Remember persistence wins after a few long and loving nights with your new best friend, the ice pack.

Franki  W.  Level 1